I Still Say it Looks like a Nail
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Xander takes a little time off to let his wounds heal after the Olaf incident. His mother's estranged brother's place should be quiet enough to give him the time to heal, after all how exciting could working in deep space telemetry be?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Do I look rich? Of course not, because I own none of the intellectual properties I'm borrowing. (BtVS/SG)**

**I Still Say it Looks like a Nail**

(Its Hammer Time :p)

**If you've Got a Big Enough Hammer**

"So you're my sister's kid?" Jack asked, looking at the young man who'd just stepped off the bus.

"If you're Jack O'neill, then yes," Xander replied, taking in his uncle's dress and the way he stood.

"At least you've got taste," the two chorused, both dressed in flannel and jeans as if it were a uniform.

The grin and handshake were much more relaxed from the two then it would have been otherwise, since they had both found something in common.

"So, my estranged sis said you needed a break – other than the arm," Jack said, nodding toward Xander's left arm.

Xander nodded. "Sunnydale has a bit of a gang problem and I have a bad habit of rescuing fair damsels."

"Rescuing fair damsels? That sounds like there's a story behind it," Jack said, making an offer to listen without pushing it.

"Let's just say that my now ex-girlfriend Anya didn't like the fact that I refused to choose between saving her and saving my best friend."

"Best friend is female I take it?"

"Yeah, how'd you guess?" Xander replied curiously.

"Women will put up with men having a best friend if it's a guy. Sure they'll do your best to limit your time together and let you know they dislike him, but they'll put up with it. If your best friend is a female, it's generally simpler just to marry them, because any woman you're with will feel threatened by her and insist you choose."

Xander looked thoughtful for a moment. "That explains some things. Still, marrying Willow isn't exactly possible; for one thing we have the same taste in women."

"Huh," Jack replied a bit surprised. "Wonder why she was jealous than, I mean it's not like you two had a fling if you're both into women."

Xander sighed and picked up his bag by reaching inside it and grabbing something, rather than by the handles, drawing Jack's attention. "The straps on the last one tore off," he explained, which really didn't explain anything.

Jack simply nodded and grabbed Xander's suitcase, since he was all out of hands with his left arm in a sling.

"We did have an affair, but it ended badly," Xander explained as Jack led him to his jeep.

"How badly could it have ended?" Jack asked, then shook his head. "It's not what turned her to girls is it?"

Xander snickered. "No she stuck with her boyfriend until he had to go see some monk in Tibet. By the time he got back, she had a girlfriend."

"Well, then she really isn't off guys she just appreciates women as well."

"No, she's pretty adamant about it."

Jack snorted. "You don't suddenly change orientation like that. Sounds more like she's one of those people who tend to go overboard on things and since this is new for her she's charging in, but just like her attraction to girls; De'nile isn't just a lousy place to go swimmin'."

Xander grinned. "Well we both seem to have a weakness for blondes. I'm pretty sure my ex was slowly bleaching her hair that color to try and take advantage of that fact."

"I know the feeling, unfortunately Air Force fraternization policy trumps my interest in a certain blonde," Jack admitted, opening up a little to his nephew.

"Really?" Xander asked curiously, wondering if his uncle was coming out of the closet to him, since he seemed so knowledgeable about sexual orientation and was talking about a co-worker.

"Yeah, Sam and I have been through a lot together, but as long as we're in the service we have to follow the rules." He sighed.

'Definitely coming out.'

Xander carefully set his bag in the back of the jeep, making it sink down a noticeable amount.

Jack looked at Xander and raised a single eyebrow, clearly wondering what was in the bag.

Figuring it was no big deal, as Jack was going to be seeing Xander work out at some point anyway, he unzipped the bag and let him look.

Jack whistled softly. "That is one seriously large hammer."

Xander nodded. "Just carrying it around is a good workout. I like to keep in shape."

"Ah!" Jack said, thinking he'd figured it out as they pulled out of the bus station. "You're a member of that group that likes to play with medieval weapons and dress in period costumes."

"Swords, crossbows, axes and other odds and ends. It keeps me in shape and gives me some bragging rights," Xander replied cheerfully, not correcting his uncle's mistaken impression.

"Unfortunately guns have made pretty much all other weapons obsolete."

"Not hardly." Xander grinned. "Guns have their limitations; they are limited by the amount of ammo carried, suck at stealth and require constant maintenance."

"Crossbows are the same," Jack pointed out.

"Just about, but they are pretty stealthy and require less maintenance, unless the weather conditions really suck of course, in that case they need even more."

"True," Jack agreed. "And they've got some new synthetics that they use in place of the regular organic bits that have opened up that range quite a bit. They've even redesigned the bolts to reduce drag and noise."

"Seems like I'm not the only person who likes crossbows."

"I never said I didn't like them, I just said guns are generally more useful," Jack defended himself.

Xander nodded. "In large scale combat, where you aren't trying to be stealthy and have strong supply lines, guns are great. In smaller conflicts without steady supplies, older weapons are generally preferable."

"The Air Force has mostly trained me in guns, some crossbow, bladed weapons and most recently staves."

"On the battlefield the staff is king," Xander quoted.

"It also keeps you in shape and helps you develop your situational awareness. You have to know exactly when something enters your zone and the exact distance they are from you for different strategies," Jack expanded.

Xander grinned. "But the whole spinning staff thing does not stop crossbow bolts, no matter how many star wars movies you've seen."

Jack was about to ask how he'd found that out when his cell phone rang. "Oh, for crying out loud."

"Problem?" Xander asked.

"Yeah, my cell phone is strictly for emergencies. So most likely something's on fire and I have to go put it out, because everyone else has forgotten what water does."

Xander couldn't help but laugh, often having felt that way himself at times and positive his friends had as well.

"Jack here," Jack said, answering his phone. "Yes sir, of course sir, but sir- yes sir I'm on my way."

"Problems?" Xander asked as Jack sped up and moved quickly around the light traffic.

"I hope you brought a book to read. I have to go straight to base. Looks like you're stuck going with me. Down side, most of the base is a restricted area so you'll be stuck in VIP quarters for the most part. Upside, the cafeteria has blue jello and hopefully this'll only take a day or two."

"So just eat and sleep? I think I can handle that. They've got a gym I can use right?" Xander asked, quickly adding, "And the hammer stays with me."

"Shouldn't be a problem, I'll say it's cultural," Jack assured him.

"Cultural?" Xander asked confused.

"Yeah, cultural. Means it holds religious significance, meaning if they don't have a good reason or don't feel like proving it in court, you can walk around with it," he summed up. "And while it is a weapon, it's not exactly one you can sneak around with, so it'll be fine."

"Works for me," Xander replied agreeably.

"If you have anything on you that'll make security jumpy, now is the time to remove it, we have five minutes until we arrive," Jack said.

"What makes them jumpy and why would you assume I'd have something that'd make them so?" Xander asked curiously, wondering what Jack had heard about him.

"I'm not assuming anything, which is why I mentioned it, but I noticed you have a knife at the small of your back and a couple of bulges that have nothing to do with being male. I have no idea what sets security off. I've seen Daniel walk past with a sword and they didn't twitch, but someone tried to bring a furby in and they went nuts. So really it's a crapshoot."

"I feel naked without a couple of weapons on me. Sunnydale isn't the safest place when the sun goes down, but I don't have anything that'll set off a metal detector," Xander assured him.

"You're the one that'll have to explain it to them," Jack warned him. "And trust me the brig is less fun than the VIP quarters."

"Talking from experience?"

"Oh yeah, for some reason the general just doesn't get my sense of humor, so I end up spending a night or two there when I push things too far," Jack agreed.

"Ouch, that's gotta suck. Not the time itself, but all the black marks on your record," Xander replied, a faint memory of a checkered record in mind.

"Nah, he has a pretty free hand in running things, so it never makes it to file. It's really just to give him some time to calm his ulcer and so it looks like he's coming down hard on me to some of the higher ups."

"The life of a deep space telemetry officer is fraught with peril," Xander said mock wisely, misquoting a cartoon he'd seen.

"Yeah," Jack drawled out, knowing his nephew didn't buy his cover story for an instant. "You don't seem to be asking a lot of questions about it."

"I could say it's the worst cover ever, but I've heard worse. I noticed you didn't ask a lot of pointed questions yourself."

"Don't ask, don't tell," Jack smirked. "Everyone has secrets and things other people don't need to know. In my case it's backed by government authority and in your case it's backed by the fact that you're family and I trust that if I need to know something you'll tell me. I'm taking a lot on faith here, but family means something to me."

Xander could feel the last of his tension melt away at that and offered Jack a bright smile. "And I understand that you can't tell me about your work, so we're good even with all the secrets having?"

Jack smirked at Xander's wording. "Yeah, we're good, and we're here," he said as they pulled up to a guard post on the mountainside.

The guard recognized Jack and waved him through, having been notified he was inbound to deal with an emergency. They drove into a parking garage built into the mountain itself.

Parking the jeep Jack just remembered to grab Xander's suitcase as Xander pulled the hammer out of its bag so it was visible before heading for another security checkpoint in front of the elevator heading down into the base proper.

Jack half expected to be spending the next 15 minutes helping Xander through security, especially with the way the guard's eyes shot open at seeing them approach. 'Must be the hammer.' he thought to himself and was mildly surprised when the guard simply waved them through. 'Things must be worse than I thought.'

The ride down was a lot quicker than Xander expected, giving them little time to say anything. Not that there was anything to say at the moment, as he could see that Jack was mentally gearing himself up for whatever fire they wanted him to put out.

Jack waved down an airman and handed him Xander's suitcase with instructions to settle him into the VIP quarters and get him a badge before rushing off to change.

Xander turned to the airman. "I still can't believe you beat me for the class clown award."

"Hey! Prop comics were in at the time, milord."

"You guys are still doing that?" Xander snickered. "And how many of us are here anyway? I saw Martin on security up top."

John shrugged. "I think we got about a dozen of those that I know and some of those are friends of friends that we didn't figure out came from Sunnydale until later. All of us still know you and remember what you did for us, you and your friends. So if you need anything – ask and please give us a heads up if anything Sunnydalish is going down."

"I'm on vacation at the moment," Xander explained as they walked. "I need to let my latest injuries heal before I get back to work."

"Wow, I never thought you'd take a break for anything. I've seen you fight with your arm in a sling before," John pointed out. "It's just hard to think of you not being on the Hellmouth."

"Oh, I'm still there, but me and my injuries are here." Xander grinned.

"How did you pull that off?" John asked curiously.

"Magic doohicky, I split off all my injuries into me and left an uninjured Xander behind. Took some futzing with it to figure out how to pull it off, but man has it come in handy."

"If you ever get a spare, let me know – that sounds like fun, and a great way to surprise the wife," John joked.

"Oh yeah, it's real useful, but I'm way ahead of you with the surprise your girl idea. I used it for that several times on both of us."

"A threesome your girl can't complain about, and one that doesn't feel weird," John grinned.

"Actually, one time it really felt weird, because I accidentally separated into male and female versions of myself. Anya was a bit disappointed we wouldn't do things to each other."

"Huh, wouldn't it be like masturbation? But then again if you enjoyed it as her would you be straight or gay? I think I just sprained part of my brain," John said, putting Xander's suitcase down and rubbing his temples.

"Yep, exactly my point. Some things man wasn't meant to know."

John opened the door to the VIP quarters and Xander was pleasantly surprised to find it looked like an expensive motel suite.

"Cool," Xander said, seeing the widescreen TV and stereo.

"Let's get you your clearance badge and then we can see who's around, so we can grab some lunch and catch up, unless you're tired?"

"Nah, I'm good and food sounds great."

"Excellent, well let's see Jensen about the badge then," John said, leading him to a small office.

"Wendy?" Xander asked, shocked at seeing the young redhead there.

"Alex?" Wendy replied for roughly the same reason.

"You two know each other?" John asked, surprised since he'd checked if she was from Sunnydale when she joined the command.

"Yeah, met her while I was on vacation," Xander volunteered. "The only time I left Sunnydale for any length of time was after graduation. I planned on a long road trip but for some reason I never left Oxnard."

"That was your vacation?" Wendy stared at him stunned. "What do you ***do***?"

John gave Xander a confused look.

Xander shrugged. "Oxnard was a sleepy little one demon town, so I killed the one demon and spent the summer cleaning up his minions. No big deal, the master was barely fifty years old and thought he was Dracula reborn. He turned a bunch of LARPers. Any time I put my hand on my head they'd stop attacking and discuss character motivation until I caught my breath."

"So you spent the entire summer fighting vamps instead of seeing the US?" John asked.

"That and stripping," Wendy chimed in.

"Stripping?"

Xander sighed. "I knew that was going to come back to bite me on the ass."

"The King of Sunnydale was a stripper?" John asked thoughtfully. "Was it that much fun?"

If not for Anya firmly inoculating him against embarrassment he would have blushed. "Actually it's a lot of fun, I mean the girls cheering for you to get naked is one hell of an ego boost and the money is nothing to sneeze at."

"The King?" Wendy asked with a grin.

Xander laughed. "I declared myself the King of Cretins when I was in high school and I dated the head cheerleader who was known affectionately as Queen C."

"Yes, but that's not why we called you King." John grinned.

"Really? What else could it be?" Xander asked.

"You organized us and led us into battle, although some still insist you should be named General for that, but the real reason that I and many others of the common people call you King was simple; as a young man Arthur drew Excalibur from the stone, becoming King of all England. You, sir drew the stick from Cordelia's ass, just as impressive a feat, making you King of Sunnydale!" John said grandly.

"Cordelia wasn't that bad," Xander said rolling his eyes.

"Well not around you, no," John admitted. "Arguing with you used to be about as friendly as she got. If you could have seen what she was like away from you … man. So yeah, you made her human. Which I'm sure she would have denied before you two dated, as too many poor people are human for her to admit to it."

"Seriously?" Xander asked. "I always thought she was at her most venomous when dealing with me."

"Nope, you brought out her soft … her less harsh side and you led us into battle, and you and your friends saved most of our lives, personally at times. Buffy got the class protector award, because she needed to know she was making a difference. You just needed to be acknowledged. Cordelia actually did grow up because she's the one who let us know that the best thing we could do was to acknowledge what you'd done for us – so we voted and naming you our king won."

"What about Oz, Willow and Giles?"

"Oz found that any time his group put out CD's they'd sell out. Dingoes wasn't that great a band, but we all supported them. Willow was no longer teased by anyone but Harmony, who pointed out that her job was to be a bitch to everyone and she couldn't quit or it'd ruin her record."

"Huh?" Xander asked.

"None of us asked," John said seriously. "We're pretty sure that knowing what went on in her head …" He shuddered. "That way lies madness."

"Good point," Xander agreed.

"And as for Giles, well we tracked down the guy who posted the video of him and some gorgeous blond having sex on a patrol car on the net and made him take it down and destroy all copies."

"Good call," Xander said.

"Anyway, we need to get a security badge for Harris, Alexander of Sunnydale."

"You're already in the system," Wendy said from her terminal where she'd already started the process while they were talking.

"Want to use your current clearance? It'll cover everything but the Gate room. You need to take a course to go out in there."

"I'm already in the system?" Xander asked surprised.

"Yeah, one Richard Wilkins the third signed off with General MacTavish of the Sunnydale armory for clearance to use anything hand held or shoulder fired as needed four years ago. No further details."

"Huh, I guess Dick wanted to make sure I didn't screw up the inventory after we took out the Judge," Xander guessed.

"We also have a security clearance for Top Secret on a need to know basis signed by … it's blacked out. You have the clearance but **we** aren't cleared to know who cleared you or when for that matter."

"The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing." Xander chuckled, shaking his head.

Wendy waved a laminated badge in the air to cool it. "So, lunch?"

"Yeah." John grinned, "I want more embarrassing details to spread about his majesty."

"I get no respect." Xander snickered, looking forward to some friendly verbal sparring.

"We're Americans, we always smear royalty." John said with a grin.

**Typing by Dogodma, Typos by Dogbertcarroll.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Magic on the mic**

Lunch was a pleasant surprise, Xander had never heard anything good about military food, but the food in the cafeteria was definitely better than anything he'd found at the local Sunnydale institutions.

"Ok, we've had lunch and recounted many interesting tales to embarrass Alex err Xander with – can I ask about the hammer now?" Wendy asked, looking at the enormous war hammer Xander had set on the ground beside him.

John nodded. "I'm kinda curious myself."

Xander shrugged. "I'm not sure you'll believe it, but sure. My then girlfriend, who was very much human at the time, Anya and my best friend Willow were snatched up by a recently released troll god by the name of Olaf."

"Troll god?" the two chorused.

"Yep, Troll god. About a thousand years ago my Anya was just a simple hedge witch and had a husband named Olaf with a wandering eye and associated body parts. Tired of his infidelities and during an argument about her being a strange girl since she could read, write, and handle numbers she called upon dark forces and turned him into a troll and banished him from this plane of existence."

"How did that make him a god?" John asked.

"No idea. How Olaf became a god or if he just got his hands on a real god's hammer remains a mystery and since I killed him we'll probably never know," Xander explained.

"And how is your girlfriend over a thousand years old?" Wendy asked.

"I'm getting to that," Xander promised. "For her revenge on an unfaithful man she was offered a job as a vengeance demon. She became rather famous as Anyanka: the patron saint of scorned women. The way vengeance demons, or as they prefer to be called 'justice demons', work is that they all have a sphere of influence and can grant wishes to the people in that sphere. If a woman was dissed badly enough by a guy, Anyanka would show up and grant her a wish," he explained.

"You said she was human when you dated her," John reminded him.

"I'm getting to that," Xander repeated. "Me and Cordy broke up during our senior year because me and Willow couldn't keep our hands off each other."

"You and Willow were practically joined at the hip for forever and she'd been crushing on you for at least half that time," John pointed out. "So, why did that suddenly spring up? I mean it's not exactly in character for either of you."

Xander shrugged. "I'm as much in the dark as you are. It came out of nowhere and vanished just as quick, but it made Cordy fall under Anyanka's sphere of influence so she granted her wish."

"You don't look to have been vengeanced," Wendy said.

"Well, Cordy's wish was that Buffy never came to Sunnydale. Cordy blamed her for all the changes to the status quo."

"Oh god," John said, paling as he imagined what would have happened to him and the town if Buffy had never shown.

"Buffy made that big a difference?" Wendy asked, reminding the two men that she didn't know about the Slayer.

"Buffy collects belts in martial arts the way most women collect shoes," Xander said, semi-truthfully. "I've never met a more skilled fighter and she was driven to help people."

"She coulda kicked Bruce Lee's ass," John swore, catching onto the fact that Xander was protecting Buffy's secret.

"And with her gone, or rather never there, a vampire so powerful he was simply called the Master broke free from his prison and turned Sunnydale into a slaughterhouse," Xander said gravely.

"Bad memories?" Wendy asked.

"Yes, but no," Xander decided. "With the Master free a lot of people got turned, including myself and Willow. Most vamps spend at least a couple of years learning and gaining strength so they can make the jump from fledgling to minion status, and another twenty to fifty years to make the jump from minion to master vampires, if they have the potential. There has to be a fair amount of inner strength and a large ruthless streak to become a master. The vampire versions of myself and Willow became masters in under three years."

"Yikes! Remind me to never let you get turned," John said.

"Yeah, that pretty much disturbed the hell out of me too. Anyway, so Cordelia is the only one who remembers the original timeline and she tracks down our school librarian, who is still alive and fighting. Buffy actually arrives at this point, but it's a Buffy who had a much tougher time of it, since she didn't have us to back her up. Giles finds out from Cordy about the wish and he summons Anyanka, they break her necklace which was the source of her powers thus undoing the wish."

"Wow," John said numbly, realizing the scope the Scoob's actions seemed to have on reality.

"Time was rewritten?" Wendy asked, shocked.

"Yes, yep – it's not exactly a unique event either. My theory is that the universe resists change and helps undo any changes made. So, every time you have a little case of déjà vu it's probably the universe unraveling someone's attempts to screw with it."

The two nodded, liking the idea much more than the thought that people could change history on a whim.

"So Anya found herself human once more and a senior in high school just as she'd pretended to be. I took pity on her and showed her how to fit in and be human again. She fled Sunnydale when she found out about the Mayor's plan, because she didn't think we could stop it and she was still freaked out about being mortal. We started dating when she returned, saying she couldn't stop thinking about me several months later."

"She should've stayed," John grinned. "Graduation was a blast."

Xander laughed, "It sure was," and continued the story, "So Olaf got loose and told me I could only save one of my girls, but I refused to choose even after he broke my arm. Buffy was out cold from Olaf nailing her with the hammer and I'd taken a couple of blows to the head from it myself, so I really wasn't thinking all that straight. All I know is that I somehow got my hands on the hammer and beat him to death with it."

"And then came here to recuperate?" Wendy asked.

"I needed some place to heal and my mom's brother, Jack O'Neill had a quiet place... So, here I am," Xander finished his story.

Wendy and John broke up laughing like it was the funniest thing they'd ever heard.

"What?" Xander asked just before the base intercom system came on and said, "Incoming Wormhole Detected."

"You're kidding?" he exclaimed, putting together the pieces quite easily, as he was a fan of Wormhole Extreme.

Wendy and John just grinned.

"Don't that beat all?" Xander snickered. "Figures a member of my family would be involved in something like this. The stupidly heroic genes must come from my mom's side of the family."

Wendy and John suddenly snapped to attention as someone cleared their throat behind him.

Xander felt his sometimes useful military instincts kick in as he too straightened his posture to something more attentive, before turning to see who it was.

"Pardon me for interrupting your lunch," General Hammond said politely. "But I need to talk to you in private, if you don't mind."

The fact that a General was talking to him sent alarm bells through his head, the fact that said General was being polite added sirens. It was a rare moment when the brass taking notice of you was a good thing.

"John, Wendy it was nice having lunch with you and we'll have to do it again," Xander said before standing up and retrieving his hammer. "Lead on, sir."

As they walked down the corridor, General Hammond began speaking, "I have no idea who you are beyond your name and no clue what you do, but I received a priority message from higher up the chain of command telling me I was to render all assistance possible. I don't like being kept in the dark and I understand the need for secrecy, however the more I know the more effective my assistance will be, sir."

Xander's mind went through several different scenarios as he tried to figure out how they'd ended up in this situation, before he figured out what was the most likely answer.

General Hammond remained silent, assuming Mr. Harris was figuring out what information was need to know in this case.

"I believe we have a case of a false positive, sir," Xander said respectfully.

"How so, Mr. Harris?" the General asked curiously.

"While I do show up when things have gone south or are about to, in this particular case I'm here because you inadvertently requested my presence and the request for a security badge for me set off red flags," Xander explained.

"I unintentionally requested your presence?"

"I'm on leave while I heal up and I was planning on getting to know my uncle, but you called him in while we were on the way to his house from the bus station."

Hammond froze in mid step. "Your uncle is?"

"Jack O'Neill," Xander said cheerfully, as everything seemed to be sorted.

"I'll take you to medical," Hammond said suddenly. "Our doctor and her staff have equipment and training that surpass the best the world has to offer."

"I really don't want to be a bother, sir, feel free to treat me just like anyone else, unless there is an emergency I'm required to deal with."

"Excellent soldier," Hammond said with a broad grin. "Then just like everyone here I'll have medical see to your injuries."

"Well, Mr. Harris you have a most unusual bone structure. It shows up clearly on your MRI, but is a bit faint on X-Ray. I'd suspect a major calcium deficiency, but for it to have that great of an effect your bones would be chalk which they clearly aren't," Janet said, glancing up from her chart and finding her patient staring in rapture with one of her latest pieces of equipment, that took up an entire wall of the infirmary.

"A Bacta tank!" Xander squealed in fanboy glee.

She rolled her eyes. "It's not a Bacta tank it's a new piece of tech we're developing."

"How does it work?" Xander asked curiously.

"Well it's filled with a hyper oxygenated saline fluid kept at 98.6 degrees."

"So... Blood temp seawater with bubbles?" he asked intently.

Janet chuckled. He had a way of boiling things down that reminded her of Jack. "Yes, the idea is that a patient floating in it avoids bed sores, secondary sources of contamination, air borne diseases, and takes a lot of strain off the body as its perfectly supported and heated. Meaning more energy is available for healing. I've also added lights to simulate sunlight and infrared to promote healing, as well as more sensors than you can shake a stick at."

"Where did they get the idea for it from?" he asked.

Janet blushed and admitted, "Star Wars."

"And it's not a Bacta tank?" Xander asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Bacta tanks were based on the idea of beneficial bacteria and not much else. Seeing as how we lack that we're forced to improvise and I'd like to point out that Bacta tanks do not have artificial sunlight and infrared lamps to aid the patient," Janet said firmly.

"So, it's an improvised, but improved Bacta tank," Xander decided aloud.

"I suppose that's one way to look at it. We only have one problem left to overcome before we can see it in general use."

"What's that?"

"Over hydrogenized epidermal tissue," she replied.

"Yes, pruning would be a problem," Xander said thoughtfully.

Janet nodded and returned to looking at his chart. The splash a few seconds later came as no surprise. She'd done the same thing herself when she first got it; she's needed to check the internal sensors and equipment, of course.

The chart was fascinating she thought to herself as she opened a drawer and pulled out a pair of Speedos which she tossed into the tank without looking up from the chart.

Glancing into the unlit tank she saw that Mr. Harris had put on the Speedo and was breathing through the air tube set up for that purpose. The white shell like mono-tech cast that covered his left arm looked even more like storm trooper armor in the tank.

She flipped the switch, activating the infrared and saw his eyes shoot open as he looked at where they were hidden. "Curious."

Another flip of a switch brought up the sensors and she saw his eyes dart over to them, even though there was no external signs that they'd been turned on. "And curiouser."

Watching him settle down and close his eyes once more, lazily floating with a contented expression, her eyes drifted over the myriad scars that covered his frame.

He was pretty cheerful for someone who'd led such a hard life. He even had scars that looked to have come from a bear or some other large predator in addition to many smaller ones.

Returning to his chart she tried to figure out why he was so far off the norm, his muscle tissue was denser than normal, his metabolism was much higher than normal, his reflexes were astonishing, and he had breath to spare for quips when she had made him run the treadmill.

His vision tests showed remarkable visual acuity with a slight colorblindness in the red spectrum, making him unable to differentiate between salmon and pink. Of course most men claimed they couldn't tell the difference anyway.

Hearing also proved superior, more for pattern recognition than frequency, meaning he couldn't hear a dog whistle, but he could understand a whisper in a noisy room.

His physical abnormalities were also interesting, canine teeth slightly enlarged, fingernails thicker than normal, tongue longer than expected, and just a touch more webbing between the fingers and toes than she'd ever seen before.

It wasn't any one thing that set him apart as much as a bunch of little things.

She found she'd been staring at him for a while in the unlit tank before she finally realized what was wrong, she couldn't hear the hiss of the breathing tube, which he should have been using. His heart rate was slow and steady which meant he wasn't feeling any oxygen deprivation however.

Putting her face up to the glass she looked closely at him realized he was asleep and breathing through his nose. He was breathing water.

Janet sat down in a daze and decided that running a DNA scan was definitely in order. Fortunately she'd already drawn some extra blood samples out of habit.

A half hour later she was running the test for a third time just to be sure.

"This is incredible," she muttered, unaware that SG1 had returned from their mission and was awaiting their usual post mission medical inspection.

"Why is my nephew in the humanaquarium?" Jack asked.

"And how is he breathing?" Sam asked, as Xander had spit out the breathing tube in his sleep and was swimming in lazy circles with just the movement of his hands.

"He's your nephew?" Janet asked hopefully, planning on questioning Jack about all things Harris.

"Yeah?" Jack asked curtly, not liking the gleam in Dr. Frasier's eyes – the last time he'd seen her eyes gleam like that, needles had followed.

"What do you know about him?"

"He's my nephew from my estranged sister, has decent dress sense, and a big hammer."

"Jack!" Sam and Daniel shouted horrified.

"It is indeed exceedingly large," Teal'c agreed from next to the tank, as he noticed Xander's hammer.

"Teal'c!" Sam and Daniel exclaimed.

Jack groaned as he realized what his two team mates thought he was talking about. "Get your minds out of the gutter, I'm referring to a large metal war hammer he carries around with him."

Teal'c just raised an eyebrow at the two, making them blush.

"Was your sister part shark?" Janet asked absently, before slapping a hand over her mouth.

"Not the animal I'm thinking she's part, no," Jack replied, his head slightly tilted to the side as he started reviewing facts in his head.

"Well your nephew is," Janet said flatly, knowing Jack would have wormed it out of her anyway.

"What?" Jack asked. "I'm afraid I misheard you."

"No, you heard correctly, Alexander Harris is part shark according to his DNA."

"How is that even possible?" Jack asked.

"No idea," Janet admitted.

"We could ask him," Daniel suggested.

"You'll have to wake him up first," Sam said.

"Tap on the glass, fish hate that," Jack said sarcastically.

"He's your nephew not a fish," Janet growled.

"Can't he be both?" Jack asked, knowing he was pushing it, but unable to help himself as his smart ass genes overrode his sense of self preservation.

"Daniel would you mind climbing in the tank and waking him up please?" Janet asked, ignoring Jack in a way that boded ill for his future.

"I've heard that waking sleep walk err swimmers is a bad idea," Daniel said nervously.

"Teal'c?"

"Are not sharks the deadliest killing machines that can be found in water?" he asked politely, but made no move to enter the tank.

"Sam?" Janet tried.

"Not a good time of the month for swimming," Sam said blushing. "Blood in the water is a bad idea around sharks I understand."

The males in the room tried very hard to pretend she hadn't said anything.

"Actually that would probably be perfect," Janet muttered, not realizing she was speaking aloud. "A single drop would wake him up if his nose is in any way enhanced."

Sam figured this wasn't the most embarrassing thing she'd ever had to do, but it made the top ten easily, as she turned around and stuck her hand down her pants for a moment before climbing the ladder on the side of the tank and sticking her finger in the water.

**Typing by Godogma, Typos by Dogbertcarroll.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hair color and gizmos that bounce**

Xander's form moved like lightning, from peaceful sleep to mouth clamped around Sam's finger, before anyone could blink.

Sam shakily withdrew her, fully intact and squeaky clean, finger from the tank a second later as Xander stretched and yawned, before realizing where he was – his eyes shooting open in panic.

"Oh yeah, heavily oxygenated water," he murmured that a pair of unnoticed speakers on the side of the tank broadcast. "Why am I suddenly hungry and horny?"

"Yo, Xander!" Jack called out, hoping the sound system hooked up to the tank had a mic.

"Yo, Unc!" Xander replied.

"How did you get to be part shark?" Jack asked tactlessly.

Xander looked over at Janet who had the good grace to blush. "You people suck at keeping secrets, and just for that I'm taking the tank home with me."

"Back to the shark?" Jack suggested.

"What happened to medical ethics and privacy?" Xander demanded, ignoring Jack for the moment.

"I didn't notice they were here and accidentally said something aloud," Janice admitted.

"Oh." Xander shrugged. "That's ok then, as long as it wasn't deliberate."

"You're not upset?" Janet asked.

"Meh, we're only human."

"And you're part shark?" Jack asked, trying to steer the conversation back on track.

"Yes Jack, I am part shark, but since I spend all of my time on land and can't breathe water it's really not that important or all that useful," Xander explained.

"Do you think that's air you're breathing?" Jack said in his best Morpheus voice.

Xander chuckled. "I can't breathe normal water. This stuff is hyper oxygenated, making the difference between this and normal water like the difference between air here and on Mars."

"To splice human and shark DNA together you'd need technology way in advance of what's currently available on Earth," Janet said.

"It was Loki wasn't it?" Jack asked intently.

"What does a Norse god have to do with gene-splicing?" Xander asked.

"You know about Norse gods?" Daniel jumped in.

"Sure." Xander nodded. "I read Marvel comics."

Daniel slumped while Jack rolled his eyes.

"Of course they weren't really gods, just powerful warriors. The Norse venerated warriors and elevated them to the status of gods within their culture much like the Catholics canonized Saints," Xander explained, recalling Anya telling him it was important for him to understand her culture. Her reward system to encourage him to learn had certainly helped.

If Willow had tried something similar when they were in High School he would probably have been a straight A student... After he'd passed out from shock at the offer of course.

Daniel perked right back up like a little boy told that there WOULD be two Christmases this year.

"My ex, Anya once told me they were simply powerful outsiders from beyond the human sphere and, as things often go, after a while the worship was more towards an ideal rather than an actual person. So if Thor had shown up a couple of centuries later they probably would have declared him a heretic," Xander finished, stunning the group.

"You are remarkably well informed," Sam said.

"I've always wondered about interaction between god and man though," Xander said thoughtfully.

"I thought they were neither," Jack said, wondering how much Xander actually knew about the situation.

"You don't have to be human to be a man Unc," Xander said. "I guess I should have said person rather than man to make myself clear."

"But if they aren't gods, as you said, where are you getting the gods for them to interact with? Or are you referring to the church?" Daniel asked curiously.

"Faith is a powerful energy, but not so much here as it is in higher dimensions. So if enough people concentrate their faith on something for a prolonged period of time... Gods happen and miracles, yadda yadda yadda..." Xander summed up.

"But higher dimensional beings aren't supposed to interfere!" Daniel sputtered, dimly recalling his time as one.

Xander chuckled. "Gods are allowed to answer the prayers of their followers. I believe the agreement of the higher powers was for them to avoid building up a larger number of the faithful than they all had at some point."

"At some point?" Jack asked confused.

"Yeah, I'm not sure what the agreement's wording was or if it was even in words. All we really know is how that act now as opposed to how they acted back then, and most of that is hearsay," Xander explained – Anya had explained what she knew on the subject but she'd never been all that interested, leaning more toward the practical side of things herself.

"How do you know so much about higher dimensional beings?" Jack asked.

Xander shrugged. "Trig and American History bored the hell out of me," he said, remembering reading Giles' books to break the monotony.

Jack wondered what being bored in school had to do with learning things the SGC still had no clue about. 'I was bored in those classes too, but I never learned anything about higher beings.'

"So imagine a meeting between the original person and the god that was formed by the worship of him," Xander said with a grin. "Now that is something I'd pay good money to see. Preferably Thor rather than Loki. The more positive role model type gods are the ones that are least likely to reduce everyone to greasy spots on the ground because of ego and insecurities."

"So, how did you become part shark?" Jack asked again, trying to get an answer he would understand.

"An insane swim coach. End result was over a dozen dead or mutated so badly death would have been better. I was one of the lucky ones, a quick system flush and a complete blood transfusion and I was fine," Xander explained.

"And this never made the papers?" Jack asked, concerned. "The trial should have been a three ring circus."

"There wasn't a trial. The coach fell into a pit full of his own creations and was eaten alive. There was also a fire in his office and at his house, destroying all his research and notes on the process." Xander grinned widely, showing off all his teeth.

"What about the heavily mutated ones?" Sam asked.

"Escaped out to sea while our backs were turned. They were all but mindless and all male, so we don't have to worry about them upsetting mankind's place on the food chain."

Sam flipped on the light switch, illuminating the tank and Xander's Speedo clad form. "Ouch!" Xander said, wincing at the sudden brightness. "Warn a guy next time."

"Sorry," Sam apologized.

"Well how about some introductions?" Xander suggested as they eyed his scars.

Jack nodded. "This is my team; Danny, Sam and Murray. Guys, this is my nephew, Xander."

Xander waved. "Hi guys, nice to meet you." 'I'd say Dani's hair is closer to blond than Sam's.'

"How'd you end up in the tank anyway?" Jack asked.

"Well I told the general to treat me like he would one of his soldiers and he told me to go to medical. He mumbled something about not having two O'Neills around longer than absolutely necessary."

"And the tank?" Jack asked.

"How could I resist jumping in a Bacta Tank?" Xander asked while Janet growled.

"Oh I thought maybe she was going overboard studying you."

"Nah, I skipped the complete physical."

"Against Doctor's orders," Janet pointed out.

"I told you, anything involving hands below my waist requires dinner and a movie first. No exceptions!" Xander said firmly. "And they'd better be ready to have anything they do to me done to them."

Janet rolled her eyes, used to Jack's attempts to avoid medical. "It's standard medical procedure."

"You'll never convince me of that. Because I'm sure it's considered foreplay in most countries and a marriage proposal in a few."

"Indeed," Murray chimed in. "I myself thought it was a proposal until JackO'Neill explained it to me."

"Tease," Xander accused her, much to Jack's amusement.

Janet groaned, knowing that dealing with Xander was going to be just as bad as dealing with Jack if not worse.

"It's ok Murray, we'll find you a girl. One that speaks plainly," Xander said, teasing the Doc.

"I already have one XanderO'neill," Murray replied.

"Not looking for one then?"

"I am indeed looking for another, for there are some needs that only a woman can take care of satisfactorily for another woman."

Jack's eyes widened quite a bit. "I don't think most guys like admitting that sort of thing."

"Then most guys are fools. I find no enjoyment in spending hours searching for the right shade of cloth, or discussing the day's activities in great detail."

Xander grinned. "Sorry man, but even when you have two they insist on having you do that. In fact they now need you when they go shopping, because of the amount they buy, and they team up on you; it only gets worse as their numbers increase," He warned. "And they constantly nag about moving to a safer line of work and the number of tasks that 'only a man can do' goes up."

"I was actually referring to sex," Jack deadpanned.

"Two is fine and three isn't too bad, but four causes dehydration and you have to skip work the next day," Xander said matter of factly, recalling Anya bringing Halie over and bringing out the Ferulgemina.

Sam snorted. "I find it hard to believe a man can keep up with two women, much less three or four."

"Even taking into account the possibility of a couple of the girls having less than normal stamina I also find that hard to believe," Danny added.

Xander grinned. "I'm not exactly your average guy. There are days I bless my insane and deceased swim coach."

"Shame his notes were destroyed," Jack said thoughtfully.

"So, why did you immediately assume Loki had altered my DNA?" Xander asked quickly, trying to distract Janet from killing Jack – or considering the look on her face, and considering her Hippocratic oath, from sticking him with enough needles to qualify him for an acupuncture training dummy.

"Well, ummm..." Jack began and was saved from having to come up with a believable lie when the PA system announced, "Incoming Wormhole from the Tok'ra."

"Gotta go!" Jack said suddenly. "I have to inform a certain snake in the grass about what I think of her risking my team for a couple of pieces of jewelry."

As Jack stormed out, followed by his team, Xander climbed out of the tank with Janet monitoring him closely and finding particular fascination with how quickly and easily he emptied his lungs of water.

As Xander took off the Speedo and dried off, Janet was reminded of just how long it had been since she'd had a date and that she'd really like to finish his exam.

As he got dressed she considered the fact that he wasn't REALLY one of her patients OR in her chain of command, so playing doctor with him wasn't really against her ethics, though he was a bit young.

Still, when exactly could she expect to examine a case like his again? Never that's when. Janet penciled a note to clear her schedule for a day and started to figure out what tests and equipment she'd need to do it in a motel room, considering Xander's intention of mirroring them on her.

Xander had dressed quickly, thinking he would have to hurry so he could catch up with his uncle and find out what had happened, but as it turned out he found his uncle arguing with a strangely dressed woman in the middle of the hall.

"And I'm saying you do not withhold vital information and risk my people just so you can collect a few shiny gizmos!"

"They are not a few shiny gizmos. They are hand devices of great power that the Tok'ra now have and the Go'auld searching for them do not."

"They are toys!" Jack snarled.

The woman gestured and a barely visible globe of energy surrounded her. "This is not a toy, this is power. While I have this personal shield up I am invulnerable to physical harm. The benefits of such a tool in the hands of the Tok'ra is incalculable."

Jack just snorted, knowing the field only protected against energy attacks and fast moving objects. He'd once bypassed one by simply walking through it and shoving a knife into the Go'auld's side.

"You want proof? Fine! You laborer, strike me with your hammer!" she ordered, spotting Xander and mistaking who he was due to his manner of dress.

Xander, not liking her tone or the fact she had put his uncle and the man he loved in danger, was all too happy to comply. He wasn't sure if he could bring down her magical shield with a single blow, but considering the hammer he was wielding he'd probably at least give her a migraine from feedback.

Before Jack could say anything, Xander had drawn back his hammer and delivered a thunderous blow, turning the shield silver for a split second before sending it hurtling down the hall like a massive hamster ball with the woman inside it spinning end over end.

"I think you might have been a bit too hasty in your assessment, sir." Sam straightened up. "Because personally I'm valuing that hand device much more, now that I've seen her use it."

"Indeed," Murray added. "We will have to prevail upon her for another demonstration if possible."

"With cameras running, after all, we Tauri could learn many things from such an advanced race as the Tok'ra and a picture is worth a thousand words," Daniel finished.

Jack looked at the end of the hall where the woman he'd been yelling at was sprawled unconscious. "I think you're right, the trip was worth the risk."

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Anise likes getting Hammered**

"What's with the lady in the magical hamster ball?" Xander asked.

"She's a scientist," Jack replied with a grin as the woman groggily came to and shook off the blow.

"Well, as far as magical gizmos go that one looks like it would be a lot of fun at parties."

"Indeed," Murray said, a hint of amusement coloring his tone.

"We really should test it out more rigorously, like on the side of the mountain," Sam said thoughtfully.

SG1 enjoyed that thought for the moment.

"There must be a problem with the settings," Anise said annoyed. "We should try it again."

"Let's use one of the labs," Sam said quickly, "not the hall like a common drone."

"Yeah," Jack jumped in, seeing where she was going with this. "We'll want to record and analyze the data of such a powerful device in a Tok'ra's hands, we have much to learn after all."

"Agreed," Anise said, Jack's ego stroking helping her recover her equilibrium.

"Test fire range," Sam said, leading them off. "The recording devices in there are the most advanced we have."

**Five minutes later… **

"The settings on the device appear to be correct," Anise said, bringing the shield up once more. "Laborer, strike me!"

Xander nailed the shield and sent the alien woman hurtling down the firing range to sink into the wall of gel that Thor had given them to allow weapons testing within limited room.

Anise struggled to get out of the wall, which Xander quickly ran to and helped her with. Thinking that it looked and felt a lot like green Vaseline.

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket he quickly cleaned the stuff off her face; leaving her skin shiny and green.

"Thank you," Anise said, appreciating the quick and competent help. "I believe the device may be malfunctioning."

"We should try it once more just to be sure," Jack said as SG1 tried to hide their amusement.

"Ok, but it's my turn to ride in the hamster ball," Xander said with a grin.

Anise nodded, while scraping the gel off with her hands. "I will wield the hammer than."

"Are you sure you're strong enough?"

Anise smirked and her eyes flashed silver. "I think I can manage."

Xander nodded, thinking that a witch who'd managed to bond and control a primal spirit would have the strength.

"You don't have to..." Jack began.

Xander interrupted him, "I want to! Tell me it doesn't look like fun."

Anise wiped her hands off before she struggled to lift the hammer as Sam instructed him on the hand device's usage.

"Ok! I'm ready," Xander announced, the shield popping into place.

"I am having some slight problems," Anise admitted grudgingly.

"Maybe you should let Murray handle it," Xander suggested.

"But I am stronger than he is."

"It's not just about strength. The hammer prefers certain personality types," Xander explained.

"You speak as if it's alive." Anise said before being forced to drop the hammer as its weight doubled.

"It kinda is."

Teal'c lifted the massive war hammer easily.

Anise looked at the hammer and then back to Xander with interest. "And where did you come upon such a weapon?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Xander replied as he braced himself for Teal'c's swing. "Ok! Hit it Murray!" Xander ordered.

Teal'c struck the shield solidly, managing to knock Xander back a foot.

"Well, that was a bust," Xander said in disappointment.

Anise and Sam seemed to disagree as they raced over to the computers and quickly called up the data on the two tests.

"The hammer changes its mass at the moment of impact," Sam said stunned.

"Or the moment of insult," Anise added.

"Despite the changes in mass the velocity doesn't change."

"That's impossible!"

"Hardly impossible, just difficult to pull off. Even for the Asgard," Anise said thoughtfully.

"There's nothing wrong with the shield device, the hammer simply overpowered it," Sam decided.

Anise sighed. "I will go over the data later, this gel is annoying."

**0oOo0**

"I'm pretty sure you can't tell me anything I'll find all that surprising," Jack assured Xander as the girls ran off to devour data.

"I beat a troll god to death and stole his hammer," Xander said, clearly amused. "My ex-girlfriend turned him into a troll and banished him from his dimension over a thousand years ago; that's why he was so pissed."

"Ok, I stand corrected; now what really happened?"

Xander chuckled. "That's classified unc."

"I'm cleared for classified data." Jack smirked.

Xander tapped his badge, drawing attention to his security level. "Classified beyond your level unc. You have secrets and I have secrets, yours are protected by the fact you're family and I trust you'll tell me if I need to know anything. Mine are protected by the US Government."

Jack opened and closed his mouth several times before falling silent.

"Wow, he's speechless," Daniel said. "I never thought I'd see the day."

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed.

Xander suddenly perked up like a golden retriever hearing a duck. "If you'll … excuse me … I have to … do … what I was put on this Earth … to do, now," he said in an exaggerated Captain Kirk voice before hurrying over to Anise. "That stuff gets everywhere, would you like some help getting it off?"

Anise was clearly torn as the scientist within her had some fascinating facts to play with, while the woman in her wanted to play with something else. She was just about to regretfully turn him down when she found the woman she was in pushing her aside. "My name is Freya, and I would appreciate the help."

**0oOo0**

"Did you know..." Daniel began.

"Yes," Xander interrupted happily, before returning to his breakfast.

Jack took a seat next to Xander. "I'm not even going to ask."

Sam took a seat next to Daniel, not looking up from the binder she was reading as she ate. "I think that gel affects Goa'uld mental states as well as staining the skin."

"Really? How so?" Daniel asked.

"Anise was actually pleasant to be around this morning and only a fraction as condescending as normal."

"Imagine that," Jack said dryly, trying not to smirk.

"Who's Anise?" Xander asked confused.

"The girl covered in green gel?" Jack asked sarcastically. "Don't tell me you've forgotten her already?"

"I thought her name was Freya?" Xander said confused.

"The … other spirit in her is named Anise," Daniel explained.

"That explains the sudden shift partway through," Xander said contemplatively. "She went from naïve and inexperienced to energetic and skilled when I thought she'd just passed out."

Jack snorted.

"I wonder if it counts as a threesome?" Xander mused aloud, causing Daniel to choke on his orange juice.

"Men," Sam said, rolling her eyes but still not looking up.

Daniel shook his head. "The latest ruling says there must be two completely separate bodies, so the possessed, people with multiple personality disorders, and even Siamese twins no longer count."

Jack just stared while Xander laughed.

"Was my delivery off?" Daniel asked.

"No, that was brilliant," Jack said. "I just didn't expect it from you. If you'd waited until I was drinking I'd have done a spit take."

"I'm going to use that one on my friend Buffy," Xander announced. "Maybe it'll convince her to start dating people who aren't older than America and haven't killed thousands of people."

"If I ask, you're going to say its classified aren't you?" Jack asked.

"Yep, I'm beginning to love that word," Xander noted with a grin.

"I'm not," Jack pouted, making Sam hide her snicker behind the folder she was reading.

"Aww, why not?"

"I always thought I'd get to be the cool uncle with all the secrets," Jack whined.

"You are," Xander assured him. "I have not read a single document or questioned anyone. Unless there is an emergency I don't need to know a thing."

"Really?"

"Really," Xander assured him. "Have I questioned you about Loki?"

"No you haven't. So if something strange comes up I can just say classified and smirk?"

"Just like me," Xander assured him.

Xander and Jack exchanged grins that sent shivers down Danny's spine. "This isn't going to end well," he groaned, just before Janet showed up and handed Xander a piece of paper.

"What's this?" Xander asked.

"Your appointment notice," Janet explained. "I cleared my schedule from four oclock on. We have dinner, dancing, a movie, and then we'll finish with a mutual exam."

"What kind of cologne do you use?" Jack asked as Janet walked off with a little extra swing in her hips, knowing Xander was watching.

Sam finally looked up from what she'd been reading and saw Xander. "Why are you green?"

Xander laughed. "Do you really want an answer to that?"

Sam thought about that for a second. "No," she replied and returned to her reading.

As Xander and Jack got up to leave they passed a table filled with faces Xander recognized.

"Why do I get the feeling that about half the salutes were aimed at you?" Jack asked after they passed the table. "And there were several bows and I think that one girl bared her throat..."

"I'm sure you're just imagining things unc," Xander assured him.

"Ahem," Jack cleared his throat.

"Forgot," Xander apologized, before looking his uncle square in the eye and saying, "Sorry. Classified."

"That's better," Jack said, wondering how he could top Xander and getting an idea.

Jack's office was cluttered with odds and ends including, a tv, dvd player, and xbox, as well as a load of games and movies.

"Now this is my idea of an office," Xander said with a grin.

"Glad you like it," Jack said. "Have a seat while I make a phone call."

Xander sat down and looked through the game and movie titles while Jack hit the button for the speaker phone and dialed Jon's number.

"Hey Jon, its Jack."

"Hey Jack, is there an emergency? You usually avoid calling me unless everything has gone to hell."

"Nah, I was wondering if you wanted to meet our nephew, Xander?"

"We have a nephew?" Jon asked surprised.

"Yes, our estranged sis had a kid. He's a pretty interesting guy," Jack assured him.

"How are you going to explain having a sixteen year old twin or do I have to pretend to be a cousin? 'Cause telling him Loki made a clone of us and screwed up is probably right out."

"Not if he's in the office listening while you're on speakerphone," Xander pointed out.

"Shit... ummm... I'm practicing lines for a school play," Jon tried.

Jack laughed. "Relax I've got it covered. Xander, sorry but it's classified."

Xander laughed. "Ok unc."

"No questions?" Jon asked surprised.

"Classified is classified," Xander said simply. "We don't bug family about these types of things."

"Wow."

"Now dial my cellphone number and put it on conference call," Xander said with an evil grin.

Jack raised an eyebrow but did it.

"Aren't you right there?" Jon asked.

"Just wait," Xander said as the phone rang.

After a few rings the sounds of battle came through the phone and Xander answered, "I hope this isn't an emergency, because I'm in the middle of something. I'll call you right back as soon as I'm done." And then he hung up.

"Interesting answering machine message," Jack said.

"Give him a minute or so to call back," Xander said. "Sounds like he's busy at the moment."

"Didn't you say you were in the SCA?" Jack asked thinking the clash of metal on metal sounded familiar.

"No, you said I was, I just didn't correct you," Xander snickered.

The phone rang and Jack patched it in.

"Xander here, what's the what?"

"Hey, Xander it's Xander here."

"Really, cool? So, how's our uncle? Is he a decent guy?"

"He's a decent guy and apparently we take after him more than our parents. I have him and his sixteen year old clone on a conference call with us now."

"Hi guys!" the Sunnydale Xander said.

"Hi Xander!" Jack and Jon chorused.

"Sounds like you're busy, need me to come back?" Xander asked.

"Going into battle hurt is the best way to get us killed." A scream and rapid fire cursing in a British accent was heard. "Ignore that, one of the knights nailed Spike to the wall with a lance, missed his heart and spine though so he'll be fine. We've got an insane goddess, the council and a group of knights, who think they're doing the right thing but are really endangering this dimension and several of the local ones, going on at the moment."

"Can't you just shoot them?" Jack and Jon chorused.

There was silence on the line for a moment. "Shit! I'm so used to fighting things bullets just piss off that I forgot they were human! Ok, new plan and I gotta go- call me in a week or three days. You know, whenever. I gotta go! Bye!"

"You have a clone the same age as you," Jon said wonderingly.

"Sorry, classified!" Xander chuckled.

"Ahh! So, we're trying to one up each other," Jon said with a grin they could hear over the phone.

"Well then, let's talk about robotic clones..."

**Typing by Dogodma, Typos by Dogbertcarroll.**


End file.
